Don't Pass on Passion. Pass it on.

Mother’s Day is Sunday and I really wanted to write about my mom. But I’m finding I’m still selfish about the memory of her. (Almost ten years have passed since she has. I’m pretty stingy.) So I will write about passions. My mom had hers and in later years was too busy with either work or her ten grandchildren (also passions of hers) to fully enjoy them, not that she ever voiced regret. Her greatest passion was, after family and friends, art. She painted, pasteled, sketched and drew. I knew her passion at a very young age. I remember when I was four or five years old watching my dad add his touches to one of her oil paintings that she had left out to dry. I was shocked that he’d paint on her work, something so personal. I don’t know what happened when she found out, but the memory stayed with me that her art was sacred to her. We should all know that about mom at a young age.

During the weeks leading up to Mother’s Day, as a preschool teacher there are motherly projects that we work on each year. One is a questionnaire for our students asking them about their mom.

How old is your mom?

How much does she weigh?

What’s her favorite color?

A lot of the answers are fun and they tend to reflect their feelings instead of their mom’s. More questions: 

What makes your mom laugh? 

What would your mom do if she had more time?

What does your mom love to do to relax?  

I love it when they have an immediate answer without having to think about it, no matter what their answer is.

It means that they have seen the happiness on her face when she does those things that she loves. Even if it’s sitting down to watch a favorite TV show or sleeping in.

I recently asked my daughter what she felt my passions were. She knew them; writing, drawing, Haagen-Dazs Chocolate ice-cream and butterflies. I WAS surprised that she left out a few. I LOVE putting on my pajamas, and I LOVE getting into bed. She knows this for sure. Those aren't all of my passions, but I’d passed this mommy test.

Sometimes I have students who can’t think of anything that makes their mom happy. Her passions are theirs. This is true for me as well. To see my daughter or my son have fun and smile and laugh is a passion beyond words. Even more so if they do it together. So yes, I love to see her ride her bike or dance in her recital. But it’s just as important for her to see MY passions.

Instill passion in your children. 

Not by telling them to be passionate about their hobby, but by letting them see YOUR passion. When you want to put on your pajamas, don’t say, “I’m going to put on my pajamas, I’m exhausted.” Instead say, “I’m going to put on my pajamas. Who’s with me!?”

And argue a little bit harder when they want to eat your last bite of that chocolate ice-cream cone. “You can have a couple of bites, but save the last one for me!” Pass on the passion. Let them know that life is to be enjoyed, even the small things. Especially the small things. ~Katherine A. Rayne~

Katherine A. Rayne is the author of Back To Being A Woman (Without Changing The Man), a book to help us in our relationships. Even with our children and friends, but most importantly with ourselves. Find her book on Amazon.com in paperback or ebook form or visit her website at www.backtobeingawoman.com and Facebook page www.facebook.com/backtobeingawoman. She also has a twitter page #Dailychallenge at Twitter.com@BeingAWoman  

Enjoy the little things! They are the big things!

21 Years as a Guide is Plenty

“I have a son that is twenty-one.”

Eight words that I have never said in one sentence until recently. It didn’t sting. (Most likely because he is awesome...smiling BIG.) Kids are a Work-In-Progress…from the time that we find out that we are pregnant and begin eating healthier to prepare them for a sustainable life and then we concentrate on keeping them well until the day that we die.

My sister once told me that children are like precious stones. At first they have lots of rough edges but with beauty...lots of beauty hidden within. With lots and lots of our polishing and elbow grease, they will eventually shine and glisten and be beautiful inside and out, especially when put into the light. It’s the same sister that became very frustrated and sad when her daughter didn't want to see her dating after her divorce. She was an adolescent and wanted/needed to have her mom available to her. Not off gallivanting with another person foreign to her. So then it was my turn to give her the advice. 

“You know how you have to remind your daughter to brush her teeth Every. Single. Morning. And Every. Single. Night? Even though she knows she’s supposed to and she can’t leave the house without doing it? (Think about it. How many times do you think you’ve said, “Go brush your teeth,” as a parent?)

Now, rinse and repeat this a hundred times, too, if you have to: “Gina. (Not her real name…she’ll be reading this post. Teehee.) I am a mother first. I’m also a woman. And a woman deserves a companion in her life. It will be a slow process but eventually we will have another person in our life. Because I want that.” 

It’s a lot more serious than brushing teeth, but the message has to be relayed a few hundred times in order to move forward. For everyone. The good news? We have 21 years to keep rinsing and repeating. On any lesson. There is no need to rush lessons. Besides, they won’t learn in a rush. They will learn like the tortoise. Slow and steady. 

What is important is that we as parents keep planting the seeds. The seeds that they spit back out at us. The seeds that they don’t want to swallow. The ones that have too hard of a shell for them to digest just yet. The seeds that sit there dormant. Until they remember them again. Until they NEED them.

And if we forgot to plant them, they won’t ever have them to dig up and fertilize and grow all on their own. We can’t rush a rose or a gemstone. And we can’t try to rush adulthood.

So many of us think of 21 as the "drinking age." And if we think of it as the “drinking age,” guess what? So do our kids. There are religions that have rites of passage to adulthood. Religion seems to have become unpopular but we still need to keep an adult rite of passage alive. When there is a bar mitzvah or bat mitzvah (a Jewish boy or girl, respectively, turning 13 and 12), one of the reasons for celebrating is their coming-of-age. They are now responsible for their own actions. They should now think, act and practice responsibly. This is something that they work towards their whole life. It’s not just a party! It’s what children need in order to become productive human beings and positive contributors to our society. We can’t make the age of 18 about, “THEN and only then can you get a tattoo!” or “Then you can do whatever you want. Right now you’re under MY roof!” 

We need to build them towards 18 (or 13 or 16 or 21) as a responsibility. “You will join the world in helping it become a better place!” “You will be ready to join the work force and find your passions!” “You one day will find the love of your life and have beautiful children and make me a grandmother!”

The United States borders Mexico. Mexico’s drinking age is 18. We have many teenagers who cross over the border just so that they can drink freely and without worry. I remember a story years back where the U.S. was very upset with the effects of a lower drinking age and we felt that Mexican authorities should raise theirs in order to prevent the drinking, driving and accidents occurring when these children would drive back home across the border. Mexico’s response?

Our children don’t go out and party and drink until they are drunk the day that they become of drinking age. You need to talk to your kids about the responsibilities of drinking. Our drinking age isn't the problem!

We can’t make drinking a “rite of passage” to adulthood. Because then our children will. It shouldn't even be a part of the equation. I’m not even close to saying they shouldn't be drinking. I like my wine! And my son knows it. (smile) But he also knows that his mom has so many other priorities. And that’s how he knows me and how he’s come to know himself. He follows his heart, by God. And I LOVE that. 21 years in the making, but I’ll be honest, he was super special at any age. And THAT’S what our kids need to know most.

 ~Katherine A. Rayne~  www.BackToBeingAWoman.com wants you to live your life and love it.

                                                                                                                                                                  

What Stop Sign?

There are so many things in life that “stop us” from moving forward. Insecurity. Judgment. Being afraid. Exhaustion. Worry.

(#OMGifiusethatwordONEMORETIMEpeoplewillstopreadingme!)

We can see them coming from a mile away, but each and every time we stop cautiously, sheepishly and diligently. Always politely allowing the worry to go on ahead in front of us. We don’t know yet what’s on the other side, but we’re afraid of it already. “Oh dear. Here comes one of those moments. I think I’ll stop here and take a break while I ponder all the terrible things that could happen.”

I had a great aunt who had a brain tumor removed many years ago. Along with the tumor, the doctors removed her worry. Literally. I don’t know about you, but don’t great aunts ALREADY say the darndest things?! You can imagine what thoughts came out of her mouth. No care, no worry, always with a shit-eating grin. Almost always turning my six-year old mouth into an OVAL. But along with the silence in the room that often followed her comments, my guess is that many of the adults around her were wishing that they had no worry holding them back, either.

What if our minds didn't use worry? Didn't know worry. Would our instincts kick in hard and drive us to where we are supposed to be SOONER and with less of the gray hairs?

My daughter has the worry wart. It’s hidden most of the time but it comes out when she’s home and feels safe. I try to make her think of the worst thing that could happen. Every time I (remember to) use this tactic, it puts her sweet mind at ease.

Many times the worst isn't awful. It’s livable. It’s workable. It’s get-around-able. So instead of going around it or letting it go ahead of us, we need to just plow through it. 

Be CURIOUS about what’s on the other side of it. And eager. And forget the worry wart that grows in between your intelligence and sense of humor. Disengage it. Go through this world by barging through your octagon signs leaving oval signs in your path!

A definition of worry:   verb 1. to torment oneself with, or to make oneself suffer from disturbing thoughts; fret. 

Please note "torment oneself." It means that we do it to ourselves! We do it with our imagination. Use your imagination to conjure up positive occurrences. Why think about all the BAD things that could happen. 

Think instead about all the GOOD things that could happen. Plunge through the stop signs when they start popping up. You’ll go farther. 

~Katherine A. Rayne~  www.backtobeingawoman.com Visit her at www.facebook.com/BackToBeingAWoman

This Is Me  ("My Messy Beautiful")   

How is it that the people with the cleanest homes are always the ones that say,

“Please excuse my messy house…I haven’t had a chance to clean.”? They say it without embarrassment but I’m thinking with a bit of smugness hiding in their words. “Trust me,” I say, “I know messy. There’s no messy here.”

I am writing this essay-blog for the Messy, Beautiful Glennon Lloyd-Melton Project. (She wrote, Carry On Warrior.) And when you mention “messy” to me, the first thing I think of is my home. Shouldn't it be a warm safe harbor, our home? I have days, a few days of the year, where it feels that way. But there’s soooo many days where it is the enemy. A battle waiting to be won. Laundry should be called “laun” because then it would be a four-letter word. And the kitchen “sink” already is one. Fitting. 

When my family and I aren't home making a mess, I have a dog, a hamster (their urine really stinks…don’t get one...no one ever told me that) and a beta fish who continue to do that while I’m gone.

I love coming home to a pretty home. When everything is in order and there is NOTHING FOR ME TO WORK ON THE MINUTE I WALK IN THE DOOR. I LOVE pretty. I even put on some pretty text to sit down and write.

I've been through the real messy stuff, too. A miscarriage, a divorce, the loss of my mom and then my dad a month later, (cancers...how cruel) but I tend to not think of those things as messy. I don’t write too much about them. They are all dear to my heart and so very sacred. But they don’t make me different or lonely or in need of sympathy. They don’t even make me messy. They make me normal. When I had the miscarriage, I felt awful. But on the same day as my D&C, I learned that one in three pregnancies end in a miscarriage. I suddenly felt normal. I had team members in large numbers by my side.

I like to keep things private to keep them less messy. When I had the miscarriage, no one even knew we were pregnant until the miscarriage. So no one else had the opportunity to mourn with me. A family friend dropped by after I came home from the procedure and wanted to say Hi. 

I said, “I’m sorry…I’m not really up for company. I just had a D&C due to a miscarriage.” That was a messy moment. And REALLLLY awkward. Only because I REALLLY didn’t feel like talking.

My messy is me. I’m way too private. (Except for when I’m behind my keyboard.) I don’t share enough about myself to really close friends. (“Oh, by the way, four years ago my husband had an affair and I’m still not dealing with it very well. Can we talk? Yes…that IS my secret diet and the reason why I’m way thin.”)

I find that if I talk about those messy matters, then I feel them way more often than I care to…or want to. They won’t go away, just because I’m feeling them more. I will still have to deal with them. But if I keep them private, I won’t have to hear people say: “how are you doing…are you okay?” Because that’s a reminder. A reminder of something that I would rather put aside until I’m alone and have the quiet space I need to try to figure out how I am going to embrace my new life. My life without that baby. A life as a single woman. That life without parents…without M.O.M.  O.M.G. Without Mom. Moms are everything. You won’t know that until yours is gone. They are your foundation to every single living cell in your being. Literally and figuratively.

So what is my messy-beautiful? I use this to pay a tribute to my messy, beautiful mom. She was a pack-rat, so she knows about a messy house. I’m sure that’s where my messy house comes from. So it’s not so messy, then. When you find those reminders of a Love that is gone, you inhale anything that reminds you of them. My sense of direction. I LOVE getting lost on road trips. It reminds me of my mom and her bad sense of direction. My thighs, as much as they aren't so pretty, they remind me of my mom each time I look down and there she is. Those funky words that she would use and I would giggle over them. They escape the crevices of my mouth on occasion as I get older. I would have cringed at them if she were alive, but now I smile. Mom lives on in me. And it’s messy, but I will never find myself apologizing for it. I will embrace it. Because I can no longer embrace her. Mom…you were Messy. But God you were Beautiful. I Miss You.   

This essay and I are part of the Messy, Beautiful Warrior Project — To learn more and join us, CLICK HERE! And to learn about the New York Times Bestselling Memoir Carry On Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life, just released in paperback, CLICK HERE!  

 

Katherine A. Rayne is author of, Back To Being A Woman (Without Changing the Man), a book on relationship replenishment. Contact Katherine at ItsHappening@BackToBeingAWoman.com

Label Your Day

Label Your Day

I conquered the grocery store the other day. I put my labeling technique to use. I was pushing my empty cart up and down the aisles. I wasn’t even hungry (thank goodness…we all know you can’t go there when hungry). I’m trying to drink less soda (because I drink WAY TOO MUCH of it). I had no more in the house. So….when I came upon the soda aisle, I looked at my trusty friend (diet coke) and labeled him, “poison” (truth, Google it) and just walked right on by. (Talk about strength!)

Next was the cereal aisle. Not in need of any “gluten” today, thank you very much. Whew. Next challenge? Wine label. Easy peezee: “Bad. For. My. Skin.” It was at this moment that I had that “how proud am I?” moment. Feeling quite superhero-ish by now.

Have you ever noticed that the displays at the ends of the aisles are the worst? I have no problem with those powdered sugar donuts (unless they are in my pantry) or Oreos (have you ever heard where the fat for the yummy centers comes from?) but there’s still some things that are on my “gotta have it” list. I was pretending I was having to give up something, so I was trying to give up everything. That usually back fires on me but this day I got through it. I did pick up chocolate, though. There’s no other label for chocolate except “OhMyGoodnessHowYummyIsThis!!!”

So labeling works! Let’s talk about Labeling Your Day. When you wake up in the morning, if you are anything like me, you know what needs the most attention that day, besides work, children and (always) laundry. Before your head is off of your pillow and your feet hit the floor, label your day with the items that you want to get done that day. I’m happy to report that today I got it ALL done. (And that never happens.) I labeled my day first thing this morning, “accomplishment.”  I had a list in the kitchen that I’d see while preparing breakfast so I knew what that would entail. You may have days where you just want to fly by the seat of your pants. I highly recommend labeling it, instead. Even if it’s to label your day as “play day, relax day, or peaceful day.” 

Maybe you have drawers that have been calling your name out for days or weeks. Clean and organize them but first label your day “organization.” Organize the drawers, emails, digital photos on the computer (including saving them to another form of back-up…we all know why), laundry day, errand day, pet care day (baths, toenails clipped). We all have a constant streaming to-do list running through our heads of things needing immediate attention. What is THE one thing (or two things) that you'd love to have done at day's end? Label your day as such.

When you label your day first thing, you will feel more motivated and have a sense of direction instantly. And once those items are taken care of and you meet yourself back at your pillow again later that night, you will feel accomplished. That’s a pleasant feeling at the end of a day. Even if the house is still a mess and you forgot to schedule dental appointments once again, your goal has been met. Success! Make your day conquerable. And then go conquer it. ~~~Katherine A. Rayne~~~  www.backtobeingawoman.com

pro-choice but anti-abortion

I saw a bumper sticker the other day that was supportive of anti-abortion. I always find these stickers bordering on the quite-offensive. To anybody. Too many graphic images and successful efforts of inducing disturbing thoughts. I know this is on purpose. We want to save another sweet life. (There is no question as to WHEN it becomes a child. That happens at conception…we shouldn’t try to fool ourselves into thinking otherwise.) But. If we are sending messages out to the world for good, shouldn’t we be making sure that it’s conducive to spreading Knowledge, Truth AND Peace? I know the authors of these stickers are diligently trying to make a difference in our world by saving one more baby. I give thanks for that. But no one says that they have to be mean about it. The bumper sticker I saw the other day was Kind. Thoughtful and Decent. And of course I can’t remember it, but it said something to the effect of,

"Don't let me go. Hold my hand instead,"

with a tiny image of a newborn. These are words a sweet soul might whisper into her mother’s ear during that difficult time of decision making. That made sense. I didn’t take offense.

I could not choose abortion. But I also feel very strongly that the government has no business deciding a woman’s extremely personal decision for her. If abortion was illegal, we know that women all over the world would still find a way to abort it if she really wanted to. It wouldn’t stop it from happening. I don’t think it’s up to us to make her feel bad about her decision, either. I’m pretty sure she feels bad already. Remember the “no judging” clause? So I refuse to judge a woman on her decisions. (I would definitely feel like judging whoever invented the idea of abortion. I can only imagine the public outcry when it first emerged.)

An unwanted pregnancy can definitely be a negative, for many. But adoption would make so much more sense out of it, for everyone. It could be turned into a positive. First by not aborting and second by giving a family a child they’ve been waiting on for more than the brief nine months that it takes to carry one. Either way, this decision is going to be so hard for any woman, but something very good can come out of it if the baby is saved.

      

        1)   Someone will gain a cute little family member. 

       2)  The biological mom will have the opportunity in about 18 years, to meet their kindred little one, all grown up and wondering about her, too.

       3)  You get to keep your Choice; yours. Will I one day see my child, or won’t I? When a baby is adopted out, the birth mother has more and more say-so over how they want to hand over their child.

  

     "I want contact.   I don’t want contact.  I want to know their name.  I want to know where they live.   I don’t.   I want to be able to get in touch with them when they are of age.     I don’t."

Don’t sever choices. If a child is aborted, all of those future choices will disappear with the baby.

Yes, we want fewer abortions in the world. But keep the government and the cruel thoughts out of it. Keep the Kindness in all of our decisions. Kindness towards girls and woman with difficult decisions that lay ahead. Kindness towards a child that was meant to be. Kindness to spread the word. And the Love. Share the LOVE.  ~~~Katherine A. Rayne~~~  www.backtobeingawoman~~~

Worrying is Stupid...

Worrying is Stupid. It's like walking around with an umbrella waiting for it to rain.  Wiz Khalifa

I came across this quote today and decided I must share it. I want to relieve women of worry it seems, so this comparison of worry to an unnecessary umbrella is inspiration for me (and my worries). I have never heard of Mr. Wiz Khalifa until today, but after dutifully Googling him, I found that "Wiz" is his nickname because of his wisdom, and that he likes cannabis. I find his words inspiring enough to quote, regardless of his habits. Because it is truthful. I know this because of my habits. A worrier. I want our inner light to calm and suffocate our worries. Because it really is wasteful. Our energies can be better utilized if we think, breathe and focus on something better. Something more useful. In my book, Back To Being A Woman (Without Changing the Man), one of my chapters discuss our confidence within ourselves in all areas, including our physical traits. We each know what we dislike about our body. Big nose, small breasts, thick thighs, surgical scars. And I can compare worry to the negative focus we put on our physical traits that we aren't happy with. Stop focusing on those traits of yourself. Don't let them overshadow all of your best features. Let your good traits stand up and shine. Worry does not have to be a part of your day. You can shove it off to the side so that your intelligence and common sense can come through. So that ideas of what your day will entail can push forward. Why worry about that meeting? Why worry about what's for dinner? Why worry that you didn't get to the gym once again? Why worry that you are running late in traffic? That ten minutes of worry won't fix it for you or improve upon it. You will still be in the same dilemma as before you began to worry. What if you focus on how you are going to limit that situation in the future? Set a plan. Or just let them go. The moments will pass. Think about better things. Acknowledge that dinner will still taste good, no matter what you decide to have. Remember that the meeting will happen, ready or not. Take it in stride. 

Our days will always have challenges. Accept the challenges, including the unplanned ones. Have the confidence that you will make it through, just as you have every other day of your life. They are such small matters in the context of life. Life is so much bigger than the worry we create for ourselves. Soooo much bigger. Create a habit of positives. Look for the good, even in the bad. Ask yourself what is the silver lining. And reflect it onto your day. ~~Katherine A. Rayne~~  www.backtobeingawoman.com

It Takes One to Grow One

February 26, 2014

In one of my latest blogs, (Today Do This...) I discuss a favorite piece of advice quoted from a celebrity; “always be kind.” I noted that being kind was easy to do. Another topic I touch on in my blogs is worry. Something else that is also easy to do. And also very relatable. Everyone does it, but how good are we at keeping it in the background versus the foreground? Especially once we have children. The first child born commences more than enough worry from both parents, but you come to find as time passes that all your worrying wasn't necessary. Those horrible worries never transpired for many of us. You worry most about accidents and injury and health problems. In your past life, a friend’s child with a cold was just a child with a runny nose. Once you have your own child, a cold will surely turn into pneumonia or bronchitis. You’ll check on them to make sure they are able to breathe through the night. You’ll feel their chest to ensure it rises and falls with each breath. You’ll feel their tiny head to make sure they are warm with life. If they live through the first part of their life, you will then worry about what friends they will choose, what activities they will become involved in, how they behave in school, will they lie, steal, do drugs?

When my son was 14, he had asked me if he could see a movie that I felt he was too young for. He really wanted this but my answer was always no. In one of his last attempts at trying to convince me that I should trust him, he explained that it wasn't as if he was a drug addicted teenager or binge drinker. And how I should be thankful for who he was. (And I was.) But I told him that he also had to think about who his parents were, and it contributed greatly to who he was. And that my decisions were always based on my concern and care for him. He lost the argument and didn't get to see the movie. But one year later, he had been talking with his friends about planning a trip to Busch Gardens that summer without parents. He asked me if I would allow him to go if they all decided to do it. It took me only a few seconds. I knew a normal response would be,”no, you’re too young.” But that was a normal response, and it would be cheating him of my genuine thoughts. I searched in my mind for reasons as to why he couldn’t go and I couldn’t find any. So I simply said, “yes.” It didn't take him anytime at all to ask, “Why!?” Surely because he expected a “no.” “Because you’ve never given me any reason to say no.” He and his friends didn’t end up doing the trip that summer, but we both discovered in a simple moment that he was trusted in a very big way, making him and me very proud of him.

So look at yourself. Look at your spouse. Chances are good that your child will be just like you. Your habits. Your morals. Your personalities. So if you find yourself worrying that your child might one day become a convict, look at yourself first. Then realize that if you're not one, it’s very unlikely they will become one. They truly don’t fall far from the apple tree. If you are proud of the family that you are, it’s safe to say that you will be proud of them. If you allow your husband to insult you and talk down to you, don’t be surprised when your son will one day begin doing it. They are learning as they are growing, including the age where they think that they know everything. If you always support them, and never give up on them, they will know that they are worthier than what your worries amounted them to. Worry is wasteful. Contemplation is good. It helps you to consider problems that MAY arise and how you would handle them if they did. But worry is just stress dressed in a different dress. It gives you no enjoyment and no steps forward. So let your child make those steps forward. Don’t worry about the falls and the hurts and the hurdles, because they are all supposed to happen. It will make them stronger.  ~~Katherine A. Rayne~~  www.backtobeingawoman.com

People are Purposed                                        19th, February, 2014

We are given a certain amount of time Here. What we decide to do with it is up to us. Worrying is the biggest precious-time waster. It pulls us to the sidelines of our journey until we again move it out of the way. If we asked God what our purpose is here, what would His answer be? There’s the food chain, miraculous all on its own, but I wouldn't guess being a part of it is the reason we are here. To be able to watch the amazing sun rise and set, day after day? To document everyday miracles like creating oil out of dinosaur fossils, how the trees create the air we need to breath, to discover how the continents on earth all seemed to fit like puzzle pieces so many years ago? I don’t think God worried about whether we would discover or study those things or not. I can’t speak for Him. But along with all these other miracles, I think He put us here to leave imprints behind. And not to worry about what others judgments would be of them. If we are feeling less valued in the world, it is not because of what others think of us, it is due to what we think of ourselves. It means that we intuitively know that we aren't making the imprint that we are capable of. It means that we need to do more first for ourselves, so that we can do more for others and feel our value.

How will we raise our children? Our children don’t belong to us. Their sweet souls are lent to us. Entrusted into our care. The way we raise our children is part of the imprint that we leave behind. Will they respect the world and others because we came into their lives? Will they know that their purpose depends solely on them and their decisions as THEY move through their life? I believe in God and am not ashamed. There are so many good things in life that people are ashamed of. When my son was a second grader, he decided that it was embarrassing for his mother to kiss him good-bye at the carline drop-off at school. What we do in that one breath of the morning will help decide who they can be. I jokingly told him that next time, I’ll wear my ruby-red lipstick and kiss him all over his little face before he exits the car, and then kindly told him, “don’t be embarrassed about love. Be embarrassed about hate, but never be embarrassed about love.” In those few precious seconds, I encouraged a very sweet soul to stay sweet. Thirteen years later, he has never stopped kissing, hugging and saying “I love you.”

We leave an imprint everywhere we go and on everyone we meet. Make it pretty.  ~~~Katherine A. Rayne~~~  www.BackToBeingAWoman.com

Today, do this...

February 15, 2014

Today, do this…

Today it’s weekend. We are all going in different directions to accomplish everything on our list or on our minds. Mindless to other people’s lives for a short time, only mindful of ours. It will all get done (or it won’t), but there’s many things that we can accomplish meanwhile. Jodi Foster once said during an interview that her mother told her to “always be kind” in life. Out of so many quotes and suggestions and advice over my years, that one always stays with me. I think it’s because it’s so easy to do. And to remember. If we wanted to define it in more words, the only ones I would use to further enhance it would be to say, “always help.” Help others, help the world, help yourself. That says so much in so little. Less is always more with me. Unless it has to do with kindness and helping. Then more is so much more.

So when you go out today, take your recyclable bags to the grocery store or even department stores and convenience stores and farmer’s markets. If you don’t have any, buy them today and use them. If you see someone in the grocery store parking lot finishing up with a cart, take it over for yourself and bring it into the store. If you see an upfront parking space and someone else is vying for the same one, pass it by and park elsewhere. Thirty more steps are good for you. You’ll be helping yourself and another at the same time.

When your child wants to show you something before you jump out of the car for yet another errand, stop and turn around and let them show you, instead of on the run. It’s a simple moment in time and I promise it won’t be wasted. Before you choose a gift for yet another birthday party, ask yourself if it is a gift that will make them feel good. Does it smell good (candles, flowers), taste good (their favorite food), sound good (music) or make good (crafts, something pretty to look at)? Make it “feel” good.

Another thing to do today is to think positively throughout your day. I love being a preschool teacher. I couldn’t list all the reasons here. But a habit you create within yourself while teaching children is to always be looking for the good. The positive actions, the kind behaviors and the kind words. You compliment them all day long on the good things you see them doing. When I leave school, I’m still doing it subconsciously and consciously. I drive away looking for blessings. The clear sky yesterday. The trees reaching into it. So when you have an opportunity to complain about the long lines or the crowded roads, look around while standing there and look for your blessings. Your cart full of blessings. Your healthy legs to stand. The fact that you are driving a car and not waiting at one of the bus stops. The laughter and silliness of your children while they pass the time. And always be that mom that not only tells her daughter to “always be kind,” but be the one that shows her how to do it.

The blessings travel right along with us all day long. See that and be that. All day long.  ~~Katherine A. Rayne~~  

www.backtobeingawoman.com 

Miss Labeling

We love to label. Sometimes we allow it to determine who we are or who they are. We hear it often. She's "autistic." He has "ADHD." He's a "clutz." I have a "hang nail." (No, I just cut my nail too short...smile.) Many, many times we truly need the labeling to help determine how an individual can be helped, but even as a teacher, I still don't like the labeling. I'd rather say, he doesn't like loud noises. Or she likes her pasta separate from her vegetables. Or he waves his arms out of excitement. There's the story about the twin girls who were studied since birth after being adopted out to separate families. When interviewing the parents to compare any similarities that the twins may have had while being raised apart, one mother replied, "she won't eat ANYthing unless we put cinnamon on it." The other mother said about her daughter, "she'll eat ANYthing if we sprinkle a little cinnamon on it." A sentence can change the difference of who your child is to you. You don't even have to change her or fix him. 

My daughter is healthy. And so is an autistic child. My daughter thrives. And so does a child with ADHD. He isn't a clutz, he just falls down a lot. We could ALL find ways to label ourselves. What is that disease when you have to clean before a cleaning lady comes? (And I would never play down the differences of children who need that extra help and attention. It can be a completely different life having children who don't need extra help and effort.)

I remember years ago when my husband and I were seeing a marriage counselor. Our counselor was determined to look at me and see "depression" so that he could prescribe anti-depressants. So doctor, you're saying to me that if my husband cheats on me, feeling shitty is not "normal??" I chose the route of going through the shitty feelings. I would never blame anyone for taking the alternate route. But I felt I needed to feel shitty, so I could work out the shittiness. To me, tears felt cleansing. So you could totally call me depressed at the time, but I chose to describe it as a woman going through tough times because her husband made her feel really shitty. To me, that was the normalcy. Not the prescriptions. I sure wasn't supposed to feel happy. Not just yet, anyway. I told my doctor that I'd rather leave the problem in my "incoming bin" until I knew how to put it into my "outgoing bin." (See how well labels can work?) Labeling can be very helpful. Especially when it puts us on the path towards how we can better navigate our place in life.

I just proof read my blog so far and it was supposed to have a slightly comical feel to it, (it doesn't seem to) and I also don't feel I'm making the full point that I wanted to make. I think the message I wanted was, don't take life too seriously. It makes me think of our celebrated day for Martin Luther King, Jr. I always cringe a tad at the idea of sharing with my preschoolers that someone didn't like black people years ago. I'd rather make the point that there was a great man who saw that the world wasn't getting along as it should, and he prayed for peace and solidarity. I guess I don't want to plant the idea into their innocent little minds that African-American means "different" or "unacceptable," even if it was years ago. I want them to continue seeing each other as friends that can get along with lots of love, no matter what. The difference is our personalities, not our skin. And in the same way, who we are is not about what we are labeled as. It's about what our possibilities are. Because our possibilities are endless, no matter how you label it. 

~~~Katherine~~~      www.backtobeingawoman.com

The Garden

The Garden (your garden)

It starts with bare soil; quiet, cold and dark,

Unaware of the journey it will finally embark.

The seeds; full of hope, truth and light,

That begin to grow endlessly through days and night.

The water, the sun, and nutrients; plentiful,

The garden knows it will one day be beautiful.

One by one, buds appear slowly, without fail,

The roses bloom effortlessly and scent the air.

Damp from the rain and warmed from the sun, the seasons change and pass,

The garden, it prospers; it chooses to last.

The thorns and flowers together demonstrate nature each day,

Once chosen, join together in one abundant bouquet.

A year has passed and the rose garden thrives,

It enhances the gardeners’ love and their lives,

Always casting color and beauty and calm,

Almost as effective as a constant Song.

~~ Katherine

www.backtobeingawoman.com for paperback or ebook of

Back To Being A Woman (Without Changing The Man)  

Being Fit Begins You

Being Fit Begins You

Ready? I dread vacations. I always enjoy them once I'm there, but it’s the preparations that deter me from smiling for the days leading up to them. The planning stages. Don’t forget to put the mail on hold. Call the vet to schedule the boarding of Fluffy (that really IS his name but not what we call him). Stop the newspaper delivery. All laundry must first be done before packing begins. Dreadful. Then, I have to fly. In the SKY. Ugh.

The path to being healthier feels the same way. Meal planning, grocery list, grocery shopping. Join (and pay for) the gym or start the planning of workouts. I don’t know what half of those exercises are that I find on lists of suggestions. Even the diagrams are confusing to me. Does my knee go forward or stay under my shoulder? How far down should I crouch? WHERE does my arm go? So let’s not bother with the latest diet trend or exercise machine. Let’s use our heads. Make a list of your favorite foods including fruits and vegetables. A long list. Now cross off anything that won’t make you healthier than what you are right now. By now, there’s a few million of us that know what’s healthy for our bodies and what’s not, without the help of a magazine article. Then serve your vegetable portions larger and the other items (proteins and carb items) as smaller portions. Another way? Keep eating what you already eat, but put only half of what you would normally eat on your plate. And eat no later than 7pm. That’s a hard one for me, too. Make sure you have something in the kitchen to reach for instead of food after 7pm. A deck of cards, a journal, the needle and thread for those five shirts sitting in the laundry room, nail polish remover and polish, a sketching pad and pencils. Even that smartphone or iPad. (Cheetos would leave orange grease on your device, afterall.)

Exercise. Ick. Unless you are in the habit of it. If you are in the habit of it, it’s no longer ick. I swear. I’m not very good at working out at home. The laundry is always calling out my name or the thirty thousand other odd jobs awaiting my attention, so I’m very easily distracted. But how much time do we spend in front of the TV? Especially at night. Pajamas on? Perfect. When the commercials come on, pick an exercise. Any exercise. Your choice…first thing that comes to mind. And do it until the commercial ends. If you feel embarrassed doing it in front of family, make them do it with you. Take turns picking out the exercise for each commercial. Going for broke? Do the exercises during the SHOW instead of the commercials. Either way, make sure you’re going to be sore within the next 48 hours. Then you’ll know it’s worth it. You can make those things in the mirror that you don't like disappear. Make this a continued pattern. Not a chore for a week or two. You might even surprise yourself and turn off the TV some nights and get your music going. Don’t worry about how many repetitions for each exercise. Repeat the exercise until the commercial (or song) ends.

I’m not worried about how much you weigh. It’s about feeling better. Feeling better physically. Feeling better about daily choices. Feeling better about what you had for dinner. Feeling better about walking away from the bakery in the grocery store. Doing those little things that give you an emotional moment that says, how proud am I?! Over and over again. Begin You. Because if you’re too busy thinking about those things that you see in the mirror that you don’t like, you’re taking away from the thoughts that you could be having, such as I wonder what’s on TV tonight?  

~~ Katherine

(No, I'm not a health specialist. You know the drill. I have to suggest you talk to your doctor before starting any health regimen. Smile.) To view my webpage and a link for my book on Amazon.com, click: http://www.backtobeingawoman.com/

Appreciation - Find it Here!

~~  Seven Days, on Purpose  ~~

I LOVE Friday's. My favorite part has to be not having to set my alarm when I go to sleep that night. TOnight. (insert smiley face HERE.) So...Happy Friday, no matter what day you read this. I decided to make my first blog about appreciation. There is so much we expect from the world, but we seem to expect so much more from ourselves. If we were to imagine extending our arms outward, we could fill up the empty space in front of us easily with our abundance. The fact that you can read my blog with healthy eyes, a computer or smartphone and an education all prove to be blessings. These items are not needs, or something everyone has. We could also fill the space with clean water, enough clothes and shoes (to dress a small city’s population, in my case), possibly a car to get us to where we want to go, some of us have healthy children, our good friends and family and lots and lots of food in the fridge and pantry. And let’s not forget the countless phone calls from mom.

As women, we have SO much work to do. So many things need our attention on a daily basis. We all know how many times we go to bed thinking about the things that we didn't finish or what we could have done better. But it’s important to remember and focus on the things that we did finish and did get right. 

I recently attended a worship service (something I don’t do enough). The lesson began as a reminder to be appreciative. There are seven days in a week, on purpose. The six days allow us to work and move forward and prosper and accomplish. The seventh day? It’s time to stop to breathe it all in. And then blow it all out. Even if you are working that day. The day allows us the time to think about all that we have done during the past week. What we have learned from it, and then the ability to wipe the slate clean. Forget and put aside the things that didn’t get done. The people we didn’t visit. The forgotten errands. Even if it was a hard week, we can find something good. Appreciate that you were able to get through it and that you’re still here to celebrate it. Use it to rest and mentally prepare for the next week.

My day of thanks is Sunday, but you can make it any day you choose. Just make sure that you have an ending and starting point somewhere in your week. Don't wait for special occasions to feel special. As Hallmark says, Life is a Special Occasion!

Thank you for coming by… I appreciate it.    ~~ Katherine

You can find Katherine's website, Back To Being A Woman here: Visit Back To Being A Woman   Or find her books published on Amazon.com, Back To Being A Woman (Without Changing The Man) by clicking on:   Ebook   or  Paperback